But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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