I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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