I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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