Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
