Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How does one acquire holy water?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
