she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
