I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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