I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
