Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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