I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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