John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
