I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
