Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
