the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
