anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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