Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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