He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
