i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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