last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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