The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Randomize
