remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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