U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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