put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
people are starting to question the shark bite story
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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