God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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