Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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