I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
