I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
