oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
