I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
