I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
