Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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