I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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