someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
