Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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