based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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