Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
