well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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