we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
