Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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