Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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