I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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