Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
