My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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