On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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