Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
