I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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