so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
