Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
