i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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