When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
