i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
