My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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