I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
