I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
